Gems of jargon: nonsense words and phrases

Have you had time to noodle lately?

Have you had time to noodle* lately?

Or perhaps you've been asked to pencil-whip* the results of a survey.

Pardon?

What?

Could you re-phrase that in plain English?

For a number of years I worked in the corporate world where gobbets of jargon flourish. Some of it I enjoy because it’s a clever twist on well-known or cliched phrases, like a 'mouse potato' - a cousin of the couch variety. That's an apt term for someone who spends much of their time working with computers.

Similarly, the word 'meanderthal' to describe a long unfocused presentation.

Phrases that baffle and bamboozle

And then there are those that baffle and bamboozle. These are phrases that hide their real meaning and confuse the hearer. They'd be amusing if they weren't intended to be taken seriously.

"We'll have a town-hall to recontextualize as we've overshot the runway on this one. Dwayne is doing a legal scrub to minimize and manage any going forward impacts and Julie is coming in to head shunt."

The translation:

We will hold a carefully controlled and scripted meeting, (a town-hall), to explain and justify our position, (recontextualize), on the failure (overshooting the runway) of our latest project. Dwayne is examining and re-writing, (legal scrubbing), our legal documents to reduce the risk, (minimize and manage any going forward), of action, (impacts), and Julie has been hired to get rid of our failed employees, (head shunt).

And from the beginning:

* to noodle - to think

* to pencil-whip - to re-write or fabricate results

Let's have plain English, please.

Jargon, to blur or bolster a message, to either mask its meaning or make it seem more impressive, is counterproductive. Let's not use it, if we want what we're saying to be taken seriously.

On my current loathe list:

• to ‘dialogue’

  What's wrong with talking?

• ‘learnings’
  These come in varying increments and like fast-food can be super-sized.
  'Wow! We downloaded some mega-learnings today.’
  Translation: We learned a lot.

• to ‘calendar’
  ’Have you calendarized that date?’
  In the same league is ...

• to ‘diarize’
  ’Yes, I've forward diarized it for every alternate Monday.’

And if someone asks me about 'actioning' anything, I'll pretend I haven't heard them. Besides, that's so yesterday its replacement is probably 'doing'. What goes around, comes around.

Check The Ridiculous Business Jargon Dictionary for more.

It's a gloriously full mishmash of all the pretentious jargon words and phrases you're ever likely to hear. I hope you enjoy it! I do.

Have a great week.
Susan

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