What do you say when you meet a group of people for the first time? How do you break the ice?
This is the job of "small talk". It establishes contact and eases the way forward. It tests to see if there is a possibility of something more.
Although often derided for its blandness, its trite and cliched topics, small talk, handled well, can become meaningful BIG talk.
Nearly every important relationship we have outside of our families will have begun with some kind "small" exchange that grew. For instance, how did you meet your best friends? Your partner in life, or in business?
The ability to initiate conversations confidently and easily opens doors to opportunities we may never have dreamed possible.
Don’t settle for safety
When we allow ourselves to be limited by fear of rejection and self-consciousness, we shut down possibilities and settle for the safety of the people and situations we already know.
The reality is that most people feel shy and self-conscious in a new setting, and they're grateful when someone takes the initiative to talk to them. Overcoming the temptation to close ourselves off takes a little courage. However, the rewards can be extraordinary.
Small v big in first conversations
Small talk gets its name because the talk, conversation, covers neutral or safe topics. Talking about the weather, sports, what's been in the news, work, traffic, seasonal happenings, community events and of course the immediate situation you share: a meeting, supermarket queue, a waiting room, a party..., are neutral subjects. They're subjects you could reasonably expect most people to be able to comment on comfortably.
In contrast asking a person you've only just met for the first time whether they believe in God and why, what they think about abortion, or if they have a mortgage is not such a good idea. These are big and personal topics - ones not usually discussed with strangers. Opening with one of these will make people feel uncomfortable. You're asking them to reveal too much of themselves to someone they don't know. The questions are inappropriate, and they'll think you're weird for asking them.
How does small talk work?
First pick your person to talk to. You can lessen the likelihood of being ignored or brushed off by:
choosing someone who is by themselves, not busy and who appears open and friendly,
making eye contact and smiling before you approach them.
Now use a greeting, then mix your choice of topic with open ended questioning, a sincere compliment and your initial opening is likely to grow.
Here's an example.
The setting is a cafeteria. You're at a conference and it's break time. There are many new people to meet but you would particularly like to talk to the guy who spoke on little blue widgets earlier. They've been a passion of yours for a while and you're keen to know more. He's by himself over by the water cooler.
Your conversation opener may go like this:
“Hi, I'm Fred from XYC Company in Toronto. Conferences, like this, are great for bringing people together. I enjoyed your talk about little blue widgets. We’ve been experimenting with them for a while now too. What ways do you consider they’ll potentially impact on the current market leaders? I'm keen to hear what think.”
In this scenario the mutual meeting place, the conference, is acknowledged. (This is the link between you.) You've introduced and placed yourself (company and city details), given a compliment ('I enjoyed your talk'), and asked an open-ended question, 'What ways do you consider they’ll potentially impact on the current market leaders?'.
The open-ended question invites more than a one-word answer. When it's coupled with a sincere and appropriate compliment it increases the chances of conversation.
Other open-ended starters you could use after your initial greeting are variations on:
What was the best part of...
How did you feel about…
What brought you to...
What’s surprised you most...
How similar/different is that to...
Why do you think that...
Getting comfortable with small talk
Like most new skills the art of opening a conversation with someone you don't know will feel a little forced or awkward at first. The trick is practice. Use the everyday opportunities that present themselves to refine your approach.
Here's an example from what was my Monday to Friday life when I lived in Wellington (the capital city of New Zealand) and took an early morning bus to work.
I had a group of people I called my 'bus buddies'. Our initial small talk soon gave way to interesting conversations about all sorts of things - life in China, books, films, living with an autistic child, making costumes, teaching reading to five-year-old children... They were an incredibly diverse and wonderful group of people.
Through them I organized for a class of high school students to visit the New Zealand ballet costume room (fabulous), found the names of the right people to talk to about help with English for a family of relatively recent immigrants, discovered there was a new boutique movie theatre in the suburb adjacent to ours, swapped plant cuttings…, and so on.
What happens if you get brushed off?
What happens if you get little more than a grunt type answer? Or if the person you’ve chosen to approach makes it clear by folding their arms and fishing their phone out their pocket that they do not want to talk?
Nothing. You've simply tried to connect with someone who doesn't want to chat right now. Their lack of response is not a judgement about you. You do not know what is going on for them because you are not a mind reader. Maybe they are too busy thinking about something important that has just happened or is going happen. Maybe they are exhausted and need a break. Maybe...
It could be any number of things and it's about 99% certain that none of them have anything to do with you.
Persevering when someone has made it reasonably clear they don't wish to engage can be perceived as pushy, or even rude. The best and most sensible thing to do is accept that the person doesn't want to engage and move on.
Find another person to talk with. Do not give up.
Know the real enemy!
Today the biggest barrier to striking up a conversation with someone we don't know is not shyness. It's a smart phone. People in queues, waiting at bus stops, sitting on a park bench, on a train or on a bus are too busy checking on what their current group of friends and acquaintances are doing to make themselves available to meet new ones. I know because I do it myself. I also know when I put it away, I am more likely to get into conversations with the people around me.
That’s it for this week. ☺ Thank you for reading.
Cheers,
Susan
PPS. As I said last week, and I’ll say next, if you have ideas for topics you’d like to see covered in this newsletter, or if you’d like to share an article on some aspect of public speaking, or a speech of your own, please get in touch. Either reply to this email or contact me through the form on my about me page on my website. I’d love to hear from you!
Great column about a skill almost everyone needs help with.
A woman I know who was fantastic at putting others at ease in unfamiliar situations would often observe something unique about the person, make a statement about it and then ask a question. I've watched her go up to people alone and say, "I love that necklace. Looks like a family heirloom. Is there a story behind it?" She had a gift drawing people out by encouraging them to talk about themselves on safe topics.
And you're right. Questions that can be answered Yes/No often go nowhere. Thanks for the column.